Oh Kenya!

Calling the Education Ministry is an exercise in frustration. Opening the Yellow Pages to get the necessary numbers should give you the first clue. About 10 of the senior most officials have the very same number.

You'd think that this would be a good sign that you would get a response. This is where you would be wrong. Immediately my call was answered I was immediately consigned to hold without hearing a human voice. A minute later I was disconnected altogether. This charade took place three more times before I gave up.

For hours of entertainment, try calling the Office Of The President. You will run around in circles like a circus beast for hours of endless entertainment!

Oddly enough, the Immigration Ministry is pretty good when it comes to telephone inquiries.

NYPD Blue

Who'da thunk? Nairoby Police Department Blues on our very own shores

Excerpts
Gangsta: Kwani munanirushia teargas mkiniambia nitoke? Ngoja tu
Cop: Ni yeye!, wee mjinga toka, wacha kutisha sisi fanya haraka

Travellers

Over the next couple of days a bunch of friends, colleagues in arms and partners in crime are departing our hallowed shores for an assortment of destinations. So to Frida, Ory, Eric, JP and Mash, adieu, Godspeed and adios!

For those North America Bound this is precisely for you :)



That Aside
I find it ridiculous that the only prisoners being released from Guantanamo Bay are the ones whose countries are well connected such as Britain, Australia etc. This beggars the question -- are the Americans trying to tell us that those particular countries cannot produce terrorists?

Having Cake And Eating It

If I ever make it to heaven, I'll do it smelling of smoke. I'll be the absolute last guy before the gate is slammed shut behind me. My flowing robes will be smouldering. But all will be good!

Yesterday while seated in the ubiquitous shuttle, a very smart, very pretty lass made an entrance. I've always had an idea what "sight for sore eyes" means, and it was reinforced again. (At this point in time I can freely confess that It took me quite some time to get round to ascertaining that she was pretty because part of her repertoire was an amazingly short skirt that ended almost as soon as it begun). She looked around and came right to the back and sat down next to me.

This I did not mind.

For convenience, let us call her Mo. A few minutes later I was convinced that Mo was not happy with her chosen attire for the day. Why? Because Mo kept squirming and pulling down the bottom of her skirt. This went on for quite a while because a few minutes after pulling down the skirt, some of the physics she took in school came back to her, namely if you lower the bottom of an object by x units, its top correspondingly lowers by x units as well, and she'd pull the top back again.

Five minutes of this seesaw as Mo wrestled with her skirt and I was unable to resist the temptation to churn the waters.

At this point in time I should point out that those who know me well know that I at times employ what someone once (laughably) described as "a wooden like mask of stone" that serves me very well when circumstances are such that I cannot decide whether to to laugh or to be sombre. The net effect is that I look like I have weighty, highly pressing affairs of state on my mind. So I quickly put this on, lowered my Business Week and turned to her.

Mo looked uncomfortably back and pulled her skirt down.

I got rid of the 'sura ya kazi' and flashed my best smile. (I'm further told that the sudden change is extremely unsettling)

Mo looked uncomfortably back and hiked the skirt back up.

Things then proceeded as follows:

Mo: (Still looking decidedly uncomfortable, takes a sudden interest in Business Week) Do you mind?
M: Not at all! (Surrenders magazine)
Mo: (Leafs through magazine, and three or four pages later realizes it's upside down. Corrects this) It's got some interesting articles! I thought they only talked about the nitty gritty of business?
M: Oh no! (Enjoying self immensely) Far from it! As a matter of fact, not too long ago they did an article on dressing for success. The role of dress in the modern work ethic (Here, lying outrageously through the teeth)
Mo: Really?
M: Yep. Lovely outfit by the way

Whoever thinks that our Nubian Queens can't blush, you'd better think again!

Weird Stuff Dept
Some poor dude was jailed becuase he doesn't user Internet Explorer, Firefox or Opera Will these wars ever end?

The World We Live In

It seems that there has been some controversy in the music world on who exactly can use the phrase "back that ass up" that led to court....

New local blogs put of the woodwork:

• Kipchirchir
• Daktari
• My Part Of The World

Nobel Or Burst

My favourite fossil, HE Mwai Emilio Kibaki, continues to prove that had Albert Einstein been alive, he would have trembled with fear at the mere mention of the word 'Kibaki'. Our Commander In Chief Of The Armed Forces is at the forefront of intellectual synergy. Sample this statement from this tower of intelligence:

"President Kibaki yesterday condemned the clashes that have rocked Kenya – and branded those who killed during the fighting as murderers."

Such intelligence and foresight are amazing indeed! Millions of us mere mortals were hard pressed to know what to call those who killed their fellows. It takes an exceptional man to draw the conclusion that they are murders!

Pic Of The Day

An observable dampness convinces Lands Minister Amos Kimunya that Finance Minister David Mwiraria has been sitting in Internal Security Minister Chris Murungaru's seat again

Big Brother

I'm beginning to feel that there are some laws in force that actually make no sense in a civilized society that prides itself on its ethic of freedom (of choice). Your freedom ends where mine beings, and as long as you don't interfere with my own freedom directly or indirectly, why should I bother with yours?

I have still yet to find someone who can explain to me why is it that prostitution is illegal and fornication and adultery are not. Such hypocrisy is positively laughable, because in all three cases there are willing people offering a service and willing takers to receive the same. Whether money, a steak dinner, jewellery or nothing at all is given in return for aforementioned service is a moot point! And criminalizing them all again is a laugable step because the very notion of legislating morality is ludicrous!

Why is the Government dictating to me what I can and cannot watch? I heard in today's news in the morning that the Film Censorship Board Of Kenya will be clamping down on pornography in the country. First of all, not only is this as futile as getting Kibaki to act on anything, it is also laughable because those who have the privilege on MNET can watch unbelievably smutty movies in the wee hours of the night. Again I say, such hypocrisy is laughable.

Why is Attorney General 'Smiling' Amos Wako telling me that he will not prosecute anyone under the Criminal Libel laws and yet continue to keep the same in the statutes? I refuse to trust my rights to the benevolence of the particular holder of the office! What if a vengeful ass is the next Attorney General? Then what?

Why is it that if I run any business of any kind, I must have the current President's mug staring down from a photo frame on the wall, scaring away small children and animals? What value does this photo exactly add to the business, and what does it prove? That I know who my president is? That I am a Kenyan? Or is it supposed to be some good luck omen?

Let' have some takers!

For those of us who have graduated to books without pictures, I highly recommend Plato's The Republic if you want to get them brain cells jogging

Karma is ...
Saturday: Drinks with amazingly scary, foul mouthed, arrogant Kenyan males with the the IQ of a granite and the charm of a hyena (mnajijua!)
Sunday: Drink with amazingly pretty, intelligent, witty and charming female

I'm beginning to suspect that there's something in this talk of "afterlife!" Bad things are evened out by the good!

Odds & Ends

• A VSAT was installed here on Monday, and as i've been attending amazingly long meetings out of the office most of the week, i've not had much time to take the link through its paces. Until now that is. Am surfing at pretty much obscene speeds


• Agony is setting up a project for 11 years, deploying it on a 7 year journey waiting for aforementioned seven years then realizing some schmuck forgot to switch on the bloody thing


• Judges in Malawi are on strike because they want bigger cars


• My favourite clown, Nairobi Mayor Dick Wathika, was on TV yesterday. Parents who need examples to convince their errant offspring that "there is nothing in life you can't be, no matter who you are" need look no further than here. The gentleman was asked "Why is it that you always have 14,000 staff each year? Don't people retire, resign, die, etc?" His war-ship was hard pressed to answer that one!


• Still on the Mayor, a chap in one of our prisons died while serving his term. Of the 7 years he was in jail, he was withdrawing a salary from the City Council!

PIC OF THE DAY


Nairobi Mayor Dick Wathika is given detailed instructions on how to do the Macarena by an unidentified grandmother

You and the cops

It just occurred to me that I don't actually know what my rights are, insofar as the law is concerned, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. What's more, I don't even know where to begin looking for them.

For instance, if some rough looking fellow appeared at your elbow and said "Police. Come with me!", would you go along? If you run away you might be collared for resisting arrest or something of the sort. That is if you're lucky. If you're not you'll be shot in the head and the next thing you know your nearest and dearest will be seeing your photo on TV and a police spokesman describing your dearly departed ass as being "...most wanted criminal wanted in connection with a series of carjackings in Nairobi..."

When the aforementioned dude is in plains clothes things are even muddier.

From my observations (and numerous painful experiences) the word of a cop is the law. He can tell you to lick his boots and if you refuse you are automatically charged with one of the following:

• Loitering
• Drunk and disorderly
• Loitering with intent

For that matter, you can be charged with all three and promptly find yourself very arrested in the cramped confines in the back of a Land Rover.

The cops can also with impunity help themselves to anything on your person. In common streaks of generosity they relieve you of the burden of mobile phones, wallets, money, jewellery, etc. Any attempts to secure your property at the station will only earn you additional charges and therefore additional full board accommodation as a guest of the Government.

They can even bang at your gate and demand access to your house. It is only the foolhardy who refuse to let them in. And while they are in, they generally conduct very thorough searches. Anything that is not nailed down or that lacks foundations is tossed to all corners of the compass, and you have no say in the matter. Compensation for your damaged property is a foreign concept.

I'm very sure that there are rules and regulations that govern the operations of the police with regards to arrests, questioning, custody and so forth. The problem is that the public don't know then and neither do the police. Most behave as if that uniform and rifle are a licence to do as they please, which sets very dangerous precedents and can have very nasty repercussions. I personally harbour deep suspicions as to the quality of training the constables and corporals get. They seem to be principally muscle men of sorts.

Here's a couple of thoughts:

• Review the training that constables go through and drum the relevant sections of the law into the cadets. They need to realize that they are not all powerful
  
• Place all the facts as to the rights of citizens with respect to the police in a booklet that can be acquired for free, or for a token fee.
  
• Place aforementioned booklet in public libraries and schools
  

Victory?!

On my way back from a meeting I heard on the radio that Kamau Ngotho, the hapless journalist who was interrogated under Security Minister Chris Murungaru's orders got the last laugh as the AG decided not to prosecute the case, arguing that there were plenty of alternatives for aggrieved parties to follow other than criminal libel. A nolle prosequi, or something to that effect, will be entered. (Anyone who speaks legalese fill us in!)

IRONY PART 1

Entrez

Along Uhuru Highway, just before Nyayo Stadium, is a colossal billboard that goes as follows:

"I urge Kenyans to pay their taxes and set our country free!"

Mwai Kibaki, President of Kenya

Exeunt

However, well connected people like Cooperatives Minister Njeru Ndwiga and Finance Minister David Mwiraria do not seem to have driven down that road! MPs! Not only are their colossal salaries not taxed, but even in cases where they have to they still want to weasel out of it!

IRONY PART II

Entrez

"... Exemptions to duty on land transactions can be granted if if the country will benefit as a whole ..."

Exeunt

Cooperatives Minister Njeru Ndwiga says he is entitled because he plans to export produce. It is strange how his venture will benefit the country but those of thousands of other exporters fail to qualify for the same exemptions.

This is why I DEEPLY RESENT being taxed. Why should I sacrifice my hard earned money for some Gadarene Swine to strain the seats of their already expansive trousers still more? One of the most depressing things I have ever seen in my life is my payslip. The difference between my gross pay and net pay for a minute had my head spinning!

PIC OF THE DAY


Finance Minister David Mwiraria wishes the KBL managing director would stop with the talking already and get to the sampling

Intelligence

I'm a fairly easy going kind of chap but one of the few things I cannot stand is to have my intelligence insulted.

The case of one Peter Njeru Ndwiga is such. This schmuck is the Minister for Cooperatives and one of his companies got awarded a tender to supply insurance to Kenya Cooperative Creameries, even when it should have been disqualified on a purely technical and financial basis. And in a show of buffoonish hind licking, KCC is boosting said ministers to the skies by declaring the deal legit, never mind that within a couple of sentences the clowns declare they didn't know the minister's connection. Can you spell DUE DILIGENCE? Food for thought -- if you never do background checks how are you going to avoid Anglo Leasing type deals?

Did I mention that this came within a couple of days of the same Minister being granted a tax waiver by his buddy the finance Minister? Then the schmuck goes on to say that "...there is no conflict of interest in my transactions..."

Pic Of The Day


But they caught me on the sofa? It wasn't me!!
They even caught me on camera! It wasn't me!!

Peter "Shaggy" Ndwiga freestyles for the press

AOB

Blogs can really be put to some -- eh-- interesting uses, like Mrs. Adamson's Grade Six Class

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Ory!

The Stupid Tree

I've been watching with much amusement the fiasco that one Prince Harry has burrowed his ignorant self into. Sky News actually went to his school and interviewed his teachers, one of whom was like:

"Certainly we did World War II history! As a matter of fact we covered the holocaust extensively"

This effectively knocks every last vestige of his already weak defence out of the water.

When I got to the part where he apologized "... if I offended anyone" I stopped listening and tuned into CNN weather. He cannot claim to have been ignorant so I wonder what was running through his mind when he got that uniform. It took considerable effort to find a Nazi uniform, as they are not exactly stocked, so he cannot claim that it was a whim!

Smacks of a boy who fell out of the stupid tree and hit every last branch on his downward descent.

It is just a matter of time before His Highness appears decked out as below:



Prince Harry Arrives For the Martin Luther King Memorial

Blog Watch

Trawling the net has come up with some more local colour representing far and wide: Check out The Shipwright Returns, Things That Go Bump in the night, My..thology

State Of The Union

Pro: The Kenya Police have a website http://www.kenyapolice.go.ke/
Con: It was designed by someone extremely graphically challenged. Despite there being no audio, some of the pages can be heard in underground bunkers
Pro: Bottom line: Somebody somewhere is really trying. Kudos to Brigadier Ali and his merry men

However I take exception with some of the things that the police do. For example, why was the Port Manager, one Brown Ondego, flown to Nairobi upon his arrest? I know for a fact if I was arrested my ass would be brought to Nairobi in a wheelbarrow or some other such contraption.

I also wish that the Police were not under the direct control of the Internal Security Minister, at least in an executive capacity. It's ridiculous to leave half (and quarter) witted ministers, as is amply demonstrated by the current cabinet, the power to order around the Police. It would be nice if they had complete autonomy, for example if Brigadier Ali reported directly to the president, or at least someone with more than a fleeting knowledge of the law like the Attorney General. The control of the Police cannot and should not be political otherwise the police will end up like a political weapon to oppress the people.

Also, Justice & Constitutional Affairs Minister Kiraitu Murungi yet again soiled the names of turncoats and chameleons all over the world when he dismissed Anglo Leasing as the "scandal that never was"

NARC = New Arses, Recycled Crap

PIC OF THE DAY



A certain well known personality struggled with effort to remember: "Am I the President of USA, the President of Kenya or the President of Africa?"

AAARGH!!!

Can you identify yourself in this scenario?

It is 3 AM in the morning. Not a thing is stirring. Not even a mouse.

[BEEP BEEP BEEP] (Place atrocious ringtone here)
M: (Picking up almost instantly, as am light sleeper) Hello?
Ass: (Going off like a overflying jumbo jet) Hiiiiiii !
M: (Holding phone as far away from ear as possible) Yes????
Ass: (Cheerfully in a voice like thunder) It's me!
M:Who's me?
Ass: Me, silly! (Donkey like brays of laughter shoot down the cellular link)
M: My dear, are you aware it's three in the morning? Who's speaking please?
Ass: (Laughing like a set of cannons going off in Mosul) You don't know me? GUESS WHO!
M: (In exasperation) Look, it's very late and i have an early --
Ass: Come on! Just guess!

At this point in time in complete frustration I terminate the call, switch off the phone and fling it across the darkened room. One thing I can say about Nokias -- they handle being tossed across rooms and bounced against walls very well.

My apologies to any of my lads who may have been arrested or indeed anyone who might have tried to call or text me between 3 and 9 this morning.

Calls that come at obscure hours of the morning generally have serious connotations - in addition to the afrorementioned arrest by gung ho cops, I've also fielded one about a friend going into labour, one concerning two gentleman attempting to unite each other with their makers and numerous dealing with some issues of the other. These I don't mind.

What I mind are half wits calling me at three in the bloody morning with these RIDICLUS games. Can you spell EEJIT?

Two steps forwards....

One of these fine days I shall be found curled in a corner laughing hysterically to myself. Just when we make one step forward in some area, we take three or four back!

On one hand AFSAT were licenced to sell VSATs to corporate and individual customers. (The less said about the connection with the head of the national security information service (NSIS) the better, but that is a matter for another day). In addition, we have 3 new gateways, including Kenya Data Networks, KDN. KDN made my day by releasing their price structure shortly after JamboNet, and those prices were generally half those of JamboNet! Did I mention that JamboNet had cut their own prices by up to 70%? This means we can finally have packet loss rates of less than 75%. I kid you not, there was a time you had to re-send 3 out of every 4 packets!

On the flip side journalists are being arrested and interrogated "on the orders of the Internal Security Minister". Bollocks does not begin to describe this. It's a good thing I never became a journalist because I'd be best friends with wardens country wide and begin my days making sure i'm not dropping soap in the claustrophobic confines of a prison shower.

I can easily see myself laughing outright in Mwakwere's face as i detach my station's microphone from the podium and being bunged promptly into the cells.

But then again considering all the things I've written about these Gadarene swine - er good men and women of impeccable character and morals

PIC OF THE DAY



"Easy there Gordon! Not everything green is a tree!"

Nobel Laureate Wangari Maathai wishes she was not an environmentalist as for the fourth time that day she narrowly espapes being watered by enthusiastic fans

City Council Reloaded

Our very own Kenyan Pundit has not been idle and has been digging up some dirt on the morass at the City Council. Sooner her than me, as my patience is famous for its non existence.

The Local Government Minister, Musikari Kombo, was a guest on the KTN NewsLine, a talk show of sorts, and he failed to impress.

And in a related event, even as the ministry banned hawking at the CBD, an Assistant Minister in the Office Of The President (Internal Security), one Danson Mungatana, showed up at a hawker's protest rally, and again boosted the profile of NARC as a collection of clowns bent on shooting themselves in the foot



"We are the world,
we are the children"

Kenyan Olympic Bid?!

Either Sports Minister Ochillo Ayacko is the type who hits the ignition before opening the garage door or his office is located downwind from a glue manufacturing plant. Either way, his announcement that Kenya will bid to host the 2016 olympics has had me in stitches all morning. I heard him on BBC radio and he sounded dead serious

Not that it's a bad thing, but there is something called keeping it real, and another called keeping it sane. I'm not sure exactly how many stadia we have in the country, but I know for a fact that , and only one with fully developed track and field facilities and ample sitting capacity is Kasarani. Only God knows where events like the bobsled, indoor cycling, etc are going to be held.

And as for events like rowing, I doubt that the International Olympic committee will think much of Uhuru Park's murky pond as a suitable site, or Nairobi River's unbelievably fetid water!

Also note that the decision of where the 2016 games will be held will be made in 2009, which is a mere 4 years away. Going by NARC's record in getting things off the ground, if they were to continue at their pace we will have all the necessary stadia by exactly 8929 AD

But still, we have nothing if we don't have our dreams....

Picture This

Veteran athelete Kipchoge Keino burst into urpoarious laughter as President Mwai Kibaki asks a bewildered IOC Chairman Jacques Rogge:



"My goodness, Moody! My you've changed! I Thought you were bald? And you really need to work on your tan!"

Fret not my pets!

I think i should create a page for this :: I will NOT, repeat, NOT take down the Original Thinker's Room. It shall remain up forever (or at least until yahoo decide to cash in their chips)

In fact on that note i've just noticed the guestbook was full. Well, it ain't now so go and sign it

I've also run across some Kenyan blogs you might like to visit Virtual Insanity, a bunch of dudes and dudettes I think in Cananda, Bankelele, a banker in Kenya Cock And Bull Stories a techie in Somalia, Poetycally and Pressure Makes Diamond, a student in Finland

Also check out Mawazo Na Mawaidha, Mshairi and Nicholas Gichu

Qute of the day:
Everyone tells me i'm paranoid

Local Government

Just what is it about city and county councils that brings out the Neanderthal (apologies to the Neanderthals) in people? Almost all elections are characterized by fisticuffs, headbutting and biting. Every other month the staff strike and throw stones, potatoes and other missiles at the powers that be.2 weeks ago an outraged buxom lifted her skirt, treating an unwilling public to the sight of her gargantuan pink inner garments.

Hearing some of the mayors talking makes one wince in agony. When a mayor says something like

"The only vegetation we will allow to be grown is vegetables"

makes one unsure whether to laugh or cry.

We need to find ways and means to make those posts more attractive to the more able Kenyans. Perhaps a clear path of advancement, clearly defined duties, freedom from interference from politicians, control of their budget and revenues -- the bottom line is unless we have people there whose IQ is more than negligible, the city will continue to wallow in filth, disorder and mismanagement.

Sudan Fiasco

Just when I begin to imagine that the bar of ineptitude and ignorance in our foreign affairs ministry cannot get any lower, our foreign affairs minister and his merry men and women always find a way to slither under. I watched on TV yesterday a series of amazing events that took place behind the scenes in the epic signing of the Sudanese Peace Agreement

The mediator of the peace talks, one Lt General Lazarus Sumbeiywo was unable to find a seat and had to look for one and carry it himself across the parking lot to the VIP section, very awkwardly, on his head

Prominent VIPs like Ghana's former president Jerry Rawlings, former Kenyan president Daniel Moi failed to get seats. Why? Schmucks in the Kenyan Cabinet had lowered their foolish backsides into seats at the very front of the VIP section, next to leaders like Rwanda's Paul Kagame and Uganda's Yoweri Museveni, leading to this hilarious, pleading announcement:
"Please, can all those who are not heads of state please vacate the VIP section?"

Sudan's president El Bashir had just gotten out of his car before he was surrounded by Kenyan officials who promptly hustled him forward. I cannot lip read but this is what I suspect happened:

Bashir: :(In Arabic? Sudanese?) What the heck?! Can you stop pulling me along?! Wait!
Official 1: (In English) What the hell is he saying? Aren't they taught English in Presidential School?
Bashir: (Struggling) Wait!
Official 2: What's with this clown? Doesn't he know we're behind schedule? And can he stop pulling us back?
Bashir: My wife you fools! You've forgotten my wife!
Sudanese Aide: (Running up) Wait! You forgot his wife!
Official 1: (&*(*^^&^&HKJHK

Uganda's president Yoweri Museveni was left to his own devices at the periphery of the car park and after waiting for 5 minutes took initiative and started with his wife across the parking lot, and not two seconds later were almost run over by a lowly 504. I shudder to think of our relations with Uganda if a miserable 504 took out their president

Kenyan Foreign Affairs minister Chirau 'Quicksilver' Mwakwere forgot to recognize the presence of most of the dignitaries in his speech as he stammered and flustered sweatily along.

I can bet these guys will find a way to top this!

Nas & Kelis

Apparentlly Nas has married Kelis.

The lucky bugger!

Wrath of the people

The latest crop of people who need to paint boats with their nothing but their tongues are 'dignitaries'. Personally I deeply resent the attitude of some people's time being more important than others. I deeply resent waiting for half an hour for motorcades to pass by It's ridiculous for hundreds of thousands of man hours being wasted waiting for bigshots to pass by in jet black Mercedeses (paid for my us!) Things were at least better in the Moi days

Cop In Moi Regime: The president is coming. Get the hell on! Move it move it move it! Drive like your backside is burning!
Cop in Kibaki Regime: The president is coming. Park your car there the curb and wait there

KRRKMMTZZ!!!

Here are concrete alternatives
- Arrive early (like before 7AM)
- Arrive late the day before (like 9 PM, in time for dinner and a sauna. The more adventurous can even sample the wares of certain itinerant traders on certain well known streets)
- Use a chopper to go from JKIA to wherever
- Use a BUS to ferry everyone at a go in one convoy
- Build a conference center and 5 star hotel behind JKIA
- Sign Sudanese deals in Sudan, Somali deals in Somalia ... there may be a pattern here ....

Pheromones

I should have known that there was a reason why it was the last seat in the shuttle. However the combination of being slightly late, and the shuttle revving in preparation to drive off had me in there after a Bekele-esque sprint and I took said last seat.

Now, I don't pretend to be at the cutting edge of cologne, perfume and pheromone research but I can bet this month's salary that if one smells powerfully of samosas he is unlikely to have females swooning at his feet. But then again I could be wrong, so correct me if I am. However I know damn sure that if I ran into Halle Berry and she smelled of samosas she would be summarily removed from her pedestal.

This chap was smelling powerfully of samosa. He exuded samosa from his every pore. The smell cascaded off him as if driven by a hurricane. The air was filled with samosa from east to west, north to south, left to right, and coast to coast.

From Kencom to Yaya Center is but a hop skip and jump, but today it seemed like a trans atlantic flight on a propellered plane. Every turn the shuttle made mysteriously saturated the air some more with greasy samosa aroma. I could have sworn my shirt was getting oily, and if my cufflinks where the type to rust, that gentleman's oily atmosphere would have prevented any such calamity.

I got off feeling greasy and for some reason, extremely hungry....

Work And Play

Instead of building the nation with the sweat of honest toil I am surfing, blogging and indulging in gratuitous and wanton violence by playing Unreal Tournament. But then again I have a meeting tomorrow so at the end of the day it all balances. A solid lunch consisting chiefly of potatoes and some sections from an unfortunate swine are making me very mellow and tolerant to my fellow man. In any case I had a presentation this morning that went very well and I'm going to justly reward myself.

Quote of the day:
"I love children. In fact on my desk I have the head of a small boy"

-Steven King

Live

Much as I loathe the commenting system (no space to collect links and email addresses from my peeps) I'll just bite the bullet and go live anyway. I'm not going to kill off The Old Site but will still retain it as a repository for articles and short stories and other odds and ends, so you'll probably not want do delete your bookmarks and links to it. Still thinking of the best way to pull that off.

But at the end of the day you can either go to the Original or to here, the blog. Both will remain up, so bookmark them both!

Now I join the ranks of Kenyan bloggers like Kenyan Pundit, Mental Acrobatics and Kui. No doubt there are others I shall inevitably run into, and when I do i'll duly add their links. In fact save me time and tell me who you are!

BTW in a twist of fate Kenyan Pundit and Mental Acrobatics are both in town. Mental Acrobatics is gallivanting about the place and Kenyan Pundit, who would dearly love the full credit for my blogification (there you go my dear!) appears to be on a holday that consists chiefy or work :)

Rage Issues

I'm beginning to think that I have a serious problem. Every time I see a member of parliament, or a city councillor, either on TV or in person, I have an extremely strong urge to kick his spine out of the top of his head and beat him senseless with his own backbone. Water has it's electricity, eyes have their onions, and me I have my MPs. I cannot understand how such dimwitted, unintelligent, myopic, pathological liars can wake up in the morning and look themselves in the mirror. Don't bolts of lightening exist precisely to attend to such issues?

Listen to our worthy Mayor, one Dick Wathika, going on about some altercation with regards to Wakulima Market

Dick: Those traders that we met with were from within the market (Makes encircling gesture with both arms.)
Reporter: Uh huh
Dick: The ones who were complaining were from without the market (Makes mysterious windmill like gesture with both hands)

Free Primary Hell-ducation

I distinctly recall arguing with my lads, especially Sin and Baddy about the free primary education program. My opinion at the time was that it was all bollocks, and now my opinion has radically changed. In addition to bollocks, it's also horse manure and B.S.

The recent revelation that every 1 in 2 students was going to twiddle their thumbs while the other got on to secondary school was not a surprise to me in the least. I recall concluding that the only thing that free primary education was going to do was create more STD 8 drop outs. Now, don't begin to tell me "at least they can read and write". What use are 350,000 people who can only read and write? So you can read and write. Hurray, yahoo, and hotmail. Then what? You have no skills and little prospects of getting any of significant benefit.

The Government should have instead used the money for free primary education to build MORE SECONDARY SCHOOLS! If that had been done, more students could be absorbed into secondary schools. The benefits? If you complete this and miss a place at a national university, you have many options:

1) Parallel courses at the Universities
2) Private universities like Strathmore, Daystar University, Catholic University, USIU, Strathmore, etc
3) Assorted polytechnics
4) Training colleges, e.g. Kenya School Of Monetary Studies, School Of Professional Studies, etc
5) Universities and colleges abroad

With all these options there is a fighting chance that more people can make something of themselves with their lives. 350,000 people twiddling their thumbs and idling in their estates is not only a recipe for disaster, but a strain on the existing infrastructure and the people who feed and clothe them. Further more, a good number of these are probably bright students, or gifted in some way or the other and without a shot at education we will never get a chance at seeing their gifts. In short this is an excellent way to remain a third world country.

Another unfortunate effect of this chocolate teapot policy is that the quality of education at public primary schools had dropped like a stone. You cannot tell me that 90% of those who qualified for secondary did so because their private schools did a double registry! Granted, private schools have some inherent advantages but I am not convinced those will skew the scales in this manner. Face it, 90% of the qualifiers are from private schools because public schools performed dismally. The free education policy is lowering education standards!

I can sympathize with a teacher who does not give regular homework because he knows he will have to mark 80 exercise books. And since he teaches three of four streams, that is a grand total of up to 320 exercise books.

The Education Ministry needs to WAKE THE HECK UP and realize this policy was implemented from the wrong end, and it's ill effects shall be felt for the next 10+ years

Rats!

Wakulima Market, a large fresh produce market on the periphery of the Central Business District, was closed late last week for a long overdue cleanup. This was the The results of the said cleanup included:

- 6,000 rats. Yes, that's six thousand
- 70+ tons of garbage, 4 feet deep
- Hundreds of tons of - ah - human waste. About 40 years worth of dumps, puke and other wholesome 100% natural matter

An old veteran was overhead to express amazement that Wakulima Market was tarmacked. In his 30 years of working there he had yet to see it.

What's sobering is that Nairobi city by and large gets its fruits and vegetables from this market. It's a testament of God's love for his errant children that Nairobi has not suffered a plague, what with all those rats and all that filth.

It is at this juncture that we are reminded of one Justice & Constitutional Affairs Assistant Minister Robinson Githae who raised a storm by suggesting those of us starving to death should partake of tenderly marinated rat with braised potatoes and lettuce, or fried mongoose with a slice of lemon, or broiled monkey leg and sweet corn and other such delicacies, since we were too fussy about what we ate.

He must be gnashing his teeth at the thought of all that wasted rat!, the schmuck!

But the priceless sight was that of our worthy Mayor, Dick Wathika, a living ode to the triumph of ignorance over common sense and intelligence, looking the very picture of industry as he energetically put his team to the task of cleaning the market. He was captured on TV making assurances that cleaning will be done daily.

Yep, and Moody Awori will beat Kenenisa Bekele at the next 10,000m meet.

MBWA Management

Most Kenyan enterprises practice a unique new management method that has been refined over 40 years of (retrogressive) development. Practiced by many, including the Head Of State himself, the technique is called MBWA - Management By Walking Around

Bah Humbug!

Next Christmas Ebenezer Scrooge will have nothing on me, I kid you not! I've spent money this holiday like a sieve and I have precious little to show for it. Guilt trips will not work for you this year if you gave me ridiculous things like socks and ties and cufflinks and tieclips. I have thousands of these and do not need any more, and I distinctly recall informing you of this last year.

My December salary took a serious beating and I am having great difficulty paying attention! This year I will firmly be in the camp of those who believe in "the thought that counts"

Finally

Thinker's Room is finally a blog, which means less work for me and more updates for you!