Monday, August 01, 2005

When It Rains ....

I have moved to, and i have also migrated all posts and comments. YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE SO CHANGE YOUR BOOKMARLS/BLOGROLLS ACCORDINGLY!!!!
The talk of the town is that a certain sweaty gentleman, the sight of whom brings to mind the picture of an large elephant in a small tent, has been banned from setting foot in England or any of its territories. He is not, repeat, NOT to be allowed to set said sweaty foot on any English territory.

Walking, one of the few remaining means of transport available for someone

This has naturally caused the gentleman no small amount of panic. Now the next time he falls in a bathroom he will have to - gasp - visit a less exotic doctor, some of whose clientèle come by - gulp! - public transport! Hands that have touched someone who actually opens the car door for himself will touch his (not inconsiderable) bulk! The horror!

He will have to shop at Deacons rather than at Harrod's. He will have to substitute Raymond's for Savile Row. The agony! And now he will wistfully watch his colleagues as they set off for holidays and medical appointments (funny how many members of the Kibaki Cabinet keep falling in bathrooms!)

Naturally speculation is rife as to what led to the ban. The top reason floated is allegations of corruption. However some of us of us are of the opinion that during a state reception he must have:
  • Requested a bewildered string orchestra to play Tanto Metro & Devonte and then tried to dirty dance with the Queen.
  • Left unsightly damp stains on the King George and Queen Elizabeth furniture. The bitter underfootmen were heard to loudly question the "pore problem" excuse proferred.
  • Carried with him Kiraitu Murungi's joke book and brought the house wrath of the gods down
  • Unwisely and unmelodiously sang the chorus to Perfect Gentleman when Cherie Blair had just taken to the floor
  • Any combination thereof
The traditional British stiff upper lip kept tempers in check but upon learning that the Colossus of Rongai was planning a return foreign office officials moved faster than MPs towards a bundle of public money.

That aside, the entire fiasco has given the Kenyan Electorate ample evidence that the average Cabinet Minister has the intelligence of a carton of biscuits.

"It is because the British have been losing tenders", said one giant among intellectuals, modestly flaunting his double digit IQ, blissfully aware that British firms need Kenyan tenders about as much as Bill Gates needs a loan.

These ladies and gentlemen in charge of devising, articulating and implementing Kenyan policy do not seem to realize that the British GDP in 2004 was about $ 1,750,000,000,000. Those are nine zeros. Kenyan tenders contribute next to nothing!

The minister says that he is a scapegoat. Popular opinion is that he is half right (he is no scape!)

Breaking news: The schmuck wants to sue the UK! Ha ha! Some of us need to ensure that we open the garage door before we start the engine!

Grim News

The reported death of Sudanese Vice President John Garang is no small setback to the peace initiatives in Sudan. Since nature abhors vacuum, I have no doubt that there are a number of individuals who feel strongly that they should be the ones to fill Garang's shoes.

The conspiracy theorist in me is highly sceptical that Garang's death was a mere plane crash. I wager that Museveni will soon find himself answering some difficult questions from all quarters

August may not be a jinxed month but it sure is trying!


"Do you know how many times I've seen local doctors? Five! And four of those I was sill in diapers!"

Les Nubians - Temperature Rising