Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Rise Of The Uruk Hai - Party Raid

I have moved to, and i have also migrated all posts and comments. YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE SO CHANGE YOUR BOOKMARLS/BLOGROLLS ACCORDINGLY!!!!
<INFO> Our 'working nation' failed to avail power on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, at least where I was. Following post was written Saturday evening and is ENTIRELY tounge in cheek, and any reactions should be in said spirit. </INFO>

Note: Any image mix ups are accidental.

An Uruk Hai Chieftain, leading a band famed for ruthlessly efficient warlike tendencies

A Certain East African First Lady, famed for ruthlessly efficient warlike tendencies
KCSE Section I (20 Marks)
Delete as applicable
1) A certain firstthird rate lady is
(a) Out of her doggone mind
(b) Crazier than a full moon dog
(c) Some cards shot of a deck
(d) Some spanners short of a toolbox
(e) Misunderstood
(f) All the above

One Makhtar Diop, outgoing World Bank Country Director, and his wife and family are unlikely to forget their farewell party, for it is there that an annoyed woman stormed said party and screeched at length about her peace being disturbed in full view of astounded prominent socialites and diplomats.

This happened three times before security personnel finally recovered their faculties enough to keep her out.

Who was this shady character? Why none other than our First Lady! She did not have a red nose, but she was still clearly and unmistakably recognizable.

The laughter with which I read this report caused me to strain some stomach muscles. A CSI representation of events, sourced from a anonymous sources follows.

Diop is having banter with the German ambassador. Cold drinks are in hand. Crucial and pressing affairs of state are under discussion: "Is Sauerkraut a sausage with a German accent?" Eric Wainaina is on stage. Mercy Myra is awaiting the stage. Waiters are darting around with bitings and drinks. Gate crashers are filling pockets and under pockets. The young at heart are playing shake, having decided that bano would ruin their suits and dresses. Guests are milling around in conversation, enjoying the music. There is a mellow mood in the air.

A screech that reminded the guests of the winged monsters, the Nazgul, in the Lord Of The Rings emanates from the gate. Anything that is not bolted or tied down is shaken from its moorings. A sound like that of the Tasmanian Devil (the one on TV) rips the air and soon a tornado is amongst them. Some of the guests duck under the table. Others duck behind the slower ones.

An amazed Diop finds himself confronted by a wild looking creature that he later establishes to be a human female, who gives every indication that she has recently stuck a wet finger into an electrical socket while wearing steel high heels and standing in a puddle of water in soil rich in iron. Hair is standing on end. Some strands of the hair has been standing on end so long they have walking sticks. She is dressed not in Christian Dior or Dolce and Gabanna but in yellow Bubblegummers pyjamas. On her feet are Bugs Bunny sandals with floppy ears. The sandals flash red lights with each step.

Diop reminisces "You cannot be imagining my surprise when she is appearing in front of me, speaking what I am thinking to be ancient Hobbit. I was not understanding a thing she was saying"

Diop's wife agrees. "My daughter, roused by all the noise wanted to know why she had not been invited to the pyjama party". She adds cryptically: "Now I see why the hot comb is no longer used."

Diop continues. "She is wanting to know who my mother is. I was finding that puzzling. I hope she was not thinking she was the one."

A guest who threatened violence if his name was divulged, continues. "I've never seen anyone talk so loudly, so incoherently, and so continuously. Right before I collapsed with laughter all we were hearing was 'blah blah blah blah'! Still, I count myself luckier than most. Much as I have been in a situation where all my limbs where broken at once and I simultaneously developed a rash all over my body, some poor souls have spent 40 years in the presence of this monstrosity."

Another guest concurs as he thoughtfully pulls his beard. "My sympathies are with Kibaki. Just imagine -- you go to bed, there she is. Wake up -- she's there. Breakfast -- tea, chicken and Lucy. Fly to the US -- there she is. Go to bandit prone peripheral areas like Mandera and Ijara and there she is. Go to the bathroom -- guess who! His shadow is probably followed around by her shadow, the poor schmuck! Probably it was his idea to get her out so he can spend 5 hours of peace and quiet without seeing or hearing her"

Another guest agrees. "Some things should not be seen after taking down half a bottle of Black Label" We felt like Hobbits under a full scale attack by the entire Uruk Army. It was only later that we establish that it was one Uruk -- er -- first lady. I'll give her this -- she can scare the heck out of anyone!"

Following these current events a flurry of mail has been filling my inbox
Dear M,
We wish to take this opportunity to dissociate ourselves completely with events revolving around Makhtar Diop's farewell party. We wish to stress in the strongest possible terms that the person who caused all the commotion is not, I repeat, NOT our member. Even we have standards. Please refrain to referring to her as shady.

Larry King Live Ondiek III Junior ACE,
Secretary General,
ASHP (Association of Shady People)

Dear M,
We are not comfortable with comments that have been made linking the party disruptor with our organization. She is not one of us.

Waithera Waithera,
VIMAK (Village Maiden Association Of Kenya )

Dear M,
I wish to forthwith relinquish the term 'Shady', and will no longer use it to refer to either myself, my crew or my label. Clearly there are more deserving people for the title.

Marshall Mathers (Eminem)


"This is a confirmation of the recent speech by President Kibaki that people from other areas should not bring their rubbish to Nairobi and that the city should remain clean"
Sharriff Nassir, former MP
Michael Jackson - Jam