Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Spin Doctor

I have moved to http://blog.thinkersroom.com, and i have also migrated all posts and comments. YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE SO CHANGE YOUR BOOKMARLS/BLOGROLLS ACCORDINGLY!!!!
Good morning, greetings, salutations and felicitations. Wassup, wasadili and what’s crackalacking? Izzow? Niaje bro ….. niaje siste ….. ninawacheki wadhii.

My names, for those who do not know me, and who will now know me after telling you my names, I am Fred M Nutua. I am the Secretarial Spokesman for the Communications Office.

As I promised and swore last week, this will be the first of many communications in which I will attempt, try and undertake to keep the Kenyan public aware and informed of what is going on in the Government, and what is cooking in the Kitchen Cabinet.

I urge all our National heroes to simplify our work by dying quickly. It makes sense. My staff has been working overtime and at present we have over thirty speeches ready for funerals of our heroes. We have made arrangements with stone masons for tombstones and funeral homes for coffins and burial ceremonies. Everything is ready, so I urge them all to quickly die so that our Government can honour them. In fact just this morning I have personally inspected a consignment of sack cloth and ashes that we shall use to grieve. We even have glycerol for gnashing teeth.

The Government has undertaken and successfully completed several projects for the betterment of the people in the three years that it has been in power. These include and constitute of the following

  • Free oxygen for the people (one of our proudest achievements)
  • Free rain and sunshine (yet another fine achievement)
  • Cattle dip in Siaya
  • Roofing tiles for Chief’s office in Bura
  • Padlock for Nandi DC’s house gate
  • Torch for Mtongwe ferry watchman
  • Groundnuts for city council workers on special occasions, like Presidential inaugurations

I say this in reference to the explosion at the Wilson airport. First of all let me categorically say that not all bombs explode, and not all explosions are bombs. In fact, what happened was a mere explosion and not a bomb. Our security apparatus and apparel are diligently on watch and on point to keep our people safe.

There is no corruption in this Government. It is all untrue, concocted, dishonest and a lie. What we have is a perception of corruption, where the Government is seen to be corrupt. For instance, one of our objectives was to create wealth. So I find it amazing that when a cabinet minister attempts to create wealth in a brotherly gesture for a fellow minister, I find myself amazed at the crying wolf, sheep and fowl.

This Government is all for freedom. However our citizens fail to appreciate that freedom also extends to the police, who really, in all fairness, should be free to practice their craft! If you spend six years studying architecture you are expected to – er – architect. Surely if you spend 2 years training how to disarm and subdue people you must be allowed to use what you learn!

We welcome all Sands, Stones, Clays and other such to our country. They are most welcome, and in our democratic space we allow them to say whatever they want. “Incorrigible liar”, as was expressed by someone was taken totally out of context. In fact, it was not said in a bad way!

As we saw in a neighbouring country, a kick in the teeth, a chair to the head, a walking stick to the back and a blow to the cojones are perfectly democratic expressions that should be recognized and encouraged. My teacher told me that actions speak louder than words, and what is louder than a well placed kick? I think you will agree that we are one of the most democratic countries in the World.

Those who are always complaining about 1 teacher teaching 589 students are simply splitting hairs. It is a loud testament to the ability of our teachers to handle such a workload. After all, one God attends to the billions of people!

With these numerous few examples it is pretty abundantly clear that this government is deeply commited to devlopment issues.


President Mwai Kibaki suddenly realizes that what he is reading is not his parliament opening speech but a dog eared copy of his wife's "Three Billy Goats Gruff"

O ye of little faith! I've been writing poetry for years and years!

3 Doors Down - Kryptonite