Foot And Mouth

Foreign Affairs Minister Ali Mwakwere's foot and mouth infestation seems to have spread to Justice Minister Kiraitu Murungi. Some members of our cabinet must have mouths larger than normal, because it seems they have no problem accommodating one, and in some cases both of their feet. I could not believe my ears when that smug face appeared on TV with the following statement:

"...what the donors are doing is like raping a woman who is already willing..."

There was a stunned silence for all of 5 seconds before the schmuck was overwhelmed by his own wit and burst into laughter, nailing his coffin still further. According to Kiraitu, Kiraitu's wit is second to none. Kiraitu is of the opinion that every second spent listening to Kiraitu's humorous wit is a second well spent. Kiraitu firmly believes that the reason there is so much sadness in the world is that there aren't enough Kiraitus. On a scale of 1 to 10, Kiraitu is of the opinion that Kiraitu merits a strong score of 50. He looked fondly at his audience and wondered if they knew exactly how privileged they were to be addressed by Kiraitu.

Whoever thinks hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, clearly has not seen the fury of women insulted by Kiraitu. The Coalition Forces in Iraq would have taken notes had they seen the outraged women storm Co-Operative house, where the King of Wit has his offices. Watchmen tried and failed to keep the women out of the building. They succeeded in keeping them out of the elevators but one of the women shouted for the stairs. The guards tried to block the staircase doors but they had as much luck trying to stop them as a chocolate teapot has of holding fresh tea. They were dismissively pushed to one side and the women swarmed up the stairs as one.

Kiraitu is a man with a very high regard of his skin, and the thought that he would lose his hide to the irate women prompted action. Speculation so far is that he

• Hid under his desk
• Hid in a drawer in his desk
• Climbed into the ceiling of his office
• Hung from his ceiling fan from the back of his trousers (if you watched Mission Impossible you'll get the drift)
• Used a secret elevator to escape

From the general tone of some of the Human Rights Activists who burst into the office, it would not have been unwise for Kiraitu to wager they would respect his. The general consensus was human rights are named such because they pertain to humans, anything else was fair game. 50 odd pairs of high heels, stilettos, sandals, sneakers and boots can do amazing amounts of damage. Undeterred at not finding him there, they proceeded to eloquently vent their anger. Speeches were read. Venting was done. If there had been time to make effigies, these would have been burnt.

I'm taking wagers that for the next couple of weeks Mr Murungi will be very unpopular with Mrs Murungi. 70,000 to 1 that he will be spending the next couple of nights stretching his witty self on a sofa.

PIC OF THE DAY

An observer watches in stunned amazement as "Motor Mouth" Murungi successfully attempts to move his mouth to the side of his face

SHAME OF THE DAY

Kenya gets an extremely dubious distinction thanks to the efforts of one man

Dave Matthews Band - Crash!