Thursday, March 03, 2005

Beat Down

I have moved to, and i have also migrated all posts and comments. YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE SO CHANGE YOUR BOOKMARLS/BLOGROLLS ACCORDINGLY!!!!
Sometimes I get the powerful impression that sometimes God looks down, winks at his angels and says "Now now, look at that dude M. Don't you think he needs something to make his day interesting?"

At this juncture the angels put aside their harps, agree heartily and draw closer in anticipation.

What generally transpires after such deliberations is that things as innocuous as going to work become that much more interesting. For instance today as I sat in Shirley, the Yaya bound Shuttle, just outside Hotel Kati Kati, drama was unfolding.

A chap in a red pick up had stopped suddenly, and a direct result of that stopping suddenly, a van from one of our local security companies drove merrily into the back of the pickup. This was something the gentlemen in the van objected strongly to, and so moved were they by this that they descended from their van, batons in hand. Quicker than Njeru Ndwiga on a tax waiver, they descended upon the pick up driver and with the aid of their batons, tried very hard to change the shape of the head of the pickup driver. Those of us in the shuttle who have yet to discover what a "Beat Down" is came away enlightened. For effort, technique and enthusiasm, I gave the guards a resounding A, considering that they were beating the driver of the pick up through his open windows.

Unfortunately for us spectators, traffic cleared and the shuttle driver, who was clearly behind schedule put his foot down and we left the spiraling drama behind us. Alighting immediately and walking the 8 or so minutes to work was an idea considered and rejected by the fact that I was already 10 minutes late.

Amazingly, the KRA owes the business community at large some 2.2 billion shillings in VAT refunds and waivers, according to Bankelele
They blame the Minister (Treasury) for giving away to many incentives and waivers.

Note: Apology to any Nigerians, but this forward was just hilarious!
A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as de expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, onda Mama's body, 12 can s of Libby's corn beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat.Just share it among yourselves.

On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8)for Junior.De are four pairs of Reeboks onder Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wondo Bra (your favorite), just divide it among yourselves. De 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

Underneat mama's body is 20 kgs of cocaine in satchets which is wort 120 million Naira. Dis should take care of all of you and de unborn babies in your bodies. Dont bury her wid all dis fortune.

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and de rest are for de boys. De Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ifoma , Mama is wearing what you asked for ie ear rings, ring and necklace -please just get dem. Also, de six pairsof Chanel stockings dat Mama is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls de. I hope dey like de color.

Your loving sister, Nene

PS: Plse take care of finding a dress for her burial since all i had dressed her in were your presents.

Q: What's long, brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Craig David - Fill Me In