Interview With The Vampire

Names have been changed to protect me

Journalist(J): Good morning
First Lady (FL): What's so good about it?
J: Errr... I was just saying good morning
FL: And I was just asking why you think it is good? Is it better than yesterday's? Are the birds shrubbing?
J: Do you mean chirruping?
FL: Yes. Shrubbing.
J: Never mind that! I just wanted a few comments from you on a number of issues
FL: Very well. You know I'm a pusher. I even said it on TV
J: I'm not so sure you should be saying that with the narcotics police around and all....
FL: Why not???
J: Never mind. Now, about ....
FL: Even before I continue, my houseband's government ...
J: (Bewilderment) Husband?
FL:(Irritation) Yes! Houseband.
J: Sorry
FL: My houseband's government is not corrupt. The corrupt ones were the ones there before my husband. In fact, before my husband came, everyone was corrupt. But this government is cheese full of upright people of morality
J: I'm sure you meant chock full.
FL: Yes. The honourable ministers are there
J: Yes, no one is disputing that. There are some honourable ministers of integrity and the public knows them both. What we take exception to is the rampant theft and thuggery that we see taking place ...
FL: Vroom, vroom, vroom
J: (Advanced bewliderment) Pardon?
FL: You know me. Like I said the other day, I'm a tractor
J: Of course. But back to the issues -- what is your husband doing about it?
FL: My husband is working tirelessly from the comfort of his bed. I can tell you here that 39 files are being forwarded to the cursor for action
J: Cursor?
FL: Yes. KACA. Swift action will be taken. My houseband fully respects the rule of law, including the official secrets act
J: So how do you know all this about the prosecution?
FL: He told me himself last night
J: I see
FL: What do you have against my husband working from bed and having bit of rest anyway? I saw the pope on radio last week and he was working from bed?
J: You saw him on radio, eh? I think the next time the Presidential Mercedes leaves the Presidential Garage, you might want to open the Presidential Garage Door before starting the Presidential Engine. Exhaust fumes have not been known to enhance IQ, and even if they did, there are miracles then there are miracles
FL: I didn't quite get that. But like i said, the Pope works from bed....
J: That's because he's been working for over 40 years, actually gets out of bed, meets people and speaks to them, has Parkinson's disease and the flu, whereas your husband....
FL: Are you trying to make me hungry?
J: Angry?
FL: Yes. Hungry. Surely you know the difference between hungry and hungry?
J: (Despair) Yes
FL: And before I remember ....
J: Forget?
FL: (Irritation) That's what I said. Let me take this chance to clear the air about my husband being hen pecked. All our chicken are still in Awthyre so the issue cannot arise! We don't have any chicken at State House
J: Don't you think it's meddling to involve yourself in politics?
FL Just for that I won't shake your hand the next time we meet
J: (Contrition) My apologies. Do you have any tips to share with our ladies? How do you treat your hair for instance? Conditioning shampoo? Blow dry?
FL I'm glad you asked that. A hot comb can achieve excellent results, in conjunction with vaseline
J: Any truth to the rumours that your hair and beauty regime begins and ends with a light touch of a live wire?
FL: Of course not! Why do you say that?
J: Small clouds seem to have formed above your head
FL: (Wildly) Har har!
J: Yes, quite
FL: As First Lady you'll be seeing me involved a lot in the economy of the country
J: Getting your face on our money huh?

(Loud voice from the crowd) Now that ought to scare off local investors!

Craig David - Fast Cars