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Backs <The President>: Are we all here? From there? Where we came from?
Moody<Deputy President>: Yes your Excellency. Everyone is here. We can now sing that national anthem and recite the loyalty pledge. Ochillo came late and will have to be punished. Can you kneel down?
Kirwa <Agriculture>: Why do we have name tags? It’s ridiculous!
Odinga <Roads>: (Sotto voice) Because we’re so damn many
Michuki <Security>: (Suspiciously) What was that?
Odinga <Roads>: Nothing, nothing.
Nyongo <Planning>: I think someone spilled something in my chair
Christopher <Transport>: (Mopping his brow from the 5 foot walk from the doorway) You’re sitting in my seat
Nyongo: (Bitterly) Some of us should invest in plastic trousers
Roocy <Diary Controller>: Can we all be seated?
Balala <National Heritage> (Amazement): What ON EARTH is she doing here?
Roocy: I have been voting for the past 40 years and so I’m the most senior politician here
Balala: But you’ve also been taking dumps for the last 40 years. Does that make you the ….
Moody (Hastily): Okay, okay, okay All right then. Can we get started?
Backs: Which reminds me, where is … ah …. This fellow – you know him! Human being, hair on top of his head, opposable thumbs
Kalonzo <Environment>: Santa Claus?
Backs: No, the one who reminds me of him (Points to Ndwiga)
Ndwiga <Cooperatives>: Who? Me?
Ndwiga: (Angrilly) I object to that! Are you insuni ... insinu .. suni .... ah! Saying! Are you saying I'm crooked?
Backs: I remember now. Kombo
Odinga: Aah! You mean Kombo? The Local Authorities Minister. He and Mwakwere went to Rome
Backs: How far did they go?
Odinga: To Rome
Backs: Yes, but how far did they go?
Michuki: To Rome sir.
Backs: (Growing frustration) I got that part. What I’m interested is where exactly they went
Tuju <Communications>: Vatican City.
Backs: Is it near Othaya?
Odinga: Not really – it’s in Italy
Backs: (In shock) They went all that way?
Tuju: (Puzzled) Yes. You told them to go there.
Backs: But they told me they wanted to go to roam! The grounds are here, they were here, and the fence is there…. What’s all this talk of Italy?
(Loud voice) GROAN! And he’s Commander in Chief of Armed Forces!
Michuki: (Suspiciously) Who was that?
Odinga: Someone here can throw his voice
Backs: That must be that loud ‘thud’ I just heard
Charity <Health>: No, that was our popularity falling.
Munyao <Livestock>: Aah. Here’s the tea girl with tea and mabuyu. I’m starving!
Daudi <Finance>: Nick begs!
Tuju: Not fair! Not fair! I cut for you some of my sandwich yesterday! I’m going to tell on you!
Moody: All right, all right. Can we move along! Killimo, I believe you had a presentation to us
Killimo <Immigration>: Thank you. (Gets to her feet and walks forward)
George <Education>: Manyake! All sizes! Manyake! Kama prizes…
Mugo, Tett (Simultaneously and furiously): Objection!
George: (Blushing) Oh my goodness! Did I sing that out loud?
Charity (Angrily): And this is not the first time neither! Just last week he was whistling ‘We Kamu’ as I walked past his office door. Is it in order for such sexist innuendo to be innuendoized?
Kimunya (Sympathetically): If his whistling is anything like his coordination it must have been quite the nasty experience!
George: There comes a time ....
Nyongo: Can we get on!
Backs: Your’re right there. What’s first on the agenda
Michuki: I have a bone to pick with agricultural extension officers! Cows are on heat all over the country and they are not rising to the occasion!
(Shouts of laughter)
Kombo: Isn’t attending to that Munyao’s job?
Munyao (Angrily): And just what is that supposed to mean?
Backs: Please, gentlemen! Can we proceed?
Ndwiga: Yes, on to national issues. We work tirelessly for an hour a day and our efforts ought to be recognized. I propose tax waivers for Cabinet Ministers in recognition.
Daudi (Scribbling in a notebook): Hear hear!
Charity: But that will make the public even more annoyed with us! Please sir, put an end to this nonsense! (Turns to Backs)
Roocy: There are too many allegations of corruption against my Government …
(Outraged murmurs and shouting)
Odinga (Rising to his feet): Ayayayaya! Whose government? Nishike, maze, nishike! Hold me back!!
Roocy: I have been voting for 40 years and am thus the most senior politician here!
Kombo (Rolling his eyes): Give me a break! That line is quickly getting as stale as ‘working nation’ and ‘zero tolerance on corruption'
Kulundu <Labour>: And while we’re at it what was that crack about 2007?
Roocy: My children and I have not seen any difference in him! He’s the same as he was 10 years ago! Isn’t that so Boyi? (Turns to Backs)
Odinga (Bitterly): The fact that you and your children do not see a difference is not proof of his abilities, it is only proof of one thing: that you and your children are in desperate need of an optician!
Christopher: When you have sheep and goats ….
Kalonzo (Irritably): Shut up already with all the Animal Farm talk! Can’t you say anything without involving farm animals?
Christopher (Passionately): Are you trying to get my goat?
(Shouts of laughter)
Christopher: I refuse to be cowed …
(More shouts of laughter)
Christopher: … by sheepish people …
(Still More shouts of laughter)
Christopher: ... who are always dogging my tracks …
(Shouts of laughter)
Moody: At any rate at least we know who’d make a good head of the KSCPCA, in case you’re interested in the job
Kiraitu <Constitutional Affairs>: It’s like raping a woman who is already too willing…. Ho ho ho ho!
(Shocked silence. Then a flurry of action as Karua, Charity, Kilimo, Mugo and Tett launch themselves into the air in the process of delivery of flying
kicks. They freeze in mid air (a la The Matrix) before successfully delivering a series of devastating kicks)
Kimunya (Unsympathetically): Well, someone certainly brought that on themselves. Look on the bright side – at least your mouth is straight now
Kiraitu (Sprawled on the floor with high heel marks over
his person): Groan!
Nyachae: No guessing who will be spending his night on the sofa
Ndwiga: This tea has no sugar! How can I dip my bread into sugarless tea?
(All heads turn accusingly to Kirwa)
Kirwa: It wasn’t me, for goodness sake! It’s not like I make sugar in my backyard!
Michuki: (Shouting) Someone taste his tea!
(Ndwiga dips slice of bread in saucer of Kirwa’s tea and samples it)
Ndwiga (Indignantly): This tea has plenty of sugar!
(Collective gasps of shock and amazement)
Nyachae: Can you explain yourself sir!
End of Act Two
Cabinet Tales I