Disclaimer

If you go to this link (Clay Court) in the Friday Nation 25 Feb 2005, you will find something under the heading Job Openings. This was in fact sourced from this humble establishment, and can be read in full and unedited right here.

Even before you fire off emails asking me many hard questions, let me head you off at the pass

• I am not Clay Muganda
• Clay Muganda is not me
• M does not stand for Muganda
• I have no affiliations with Nation Media Group or the Standard (Despite valiant efforts to assure them I won't say no if they offer to give me cash each month)

T.O.K - Gal U A Lead

Mensa Or Burst

I don't know about you, but I deeply resent having my intelligence insulted by those ladies and gentlemen masquerading as leaders. Going through their utterances over the past month raises issues that beggar further exploration

Minister: Hee haw!! All Clay is trying to do is paint this Government as corrupt, so that the Government is perceived to be corrupt
M: Clay is not painting you as corrupt nitwit! YOU ARE!! Stop stealing our money and you will not be painted as corrupt

Minister: Moo!! He is looking after British Interests!
M: Of course he is moron! I like to think that is what all Kenyan ambassadors in other countries do! Or whose interests do they look after?

Minister: Baa!!! It is just colonial talk! Who is he to tell us about our affairs?
M: The truth is the truth is the truth. You cannot hide your thieving fingers and stuffed fat face behind a mask of patriotism!

Minister: Woof woof! Those calling on their colleagues to resign are thenceforth corrupt
M: Your only remaining neuron must have been working overtime to come up with that one

Minister: Oink Oink!! These are machinations of powerful enemies out to malign my name
M: That's right oaf. Never mind that you admitted receiving favours under dubious circumstances, and never mind the evidence published in the local press backing up the allegations

Minister:Loar!! Loar!! It's been blown out of proportion. A scandal that never was. I mean, the money was returned
M: Spoken like a true custodian of justice, law and order. This is a great day for all thieves, crooks and conmen. Return everything that you stole and you're good to go!

Minister: Show us evidence and we will act. Until then everyone is innocent
M: KRRKMZZ!!!!

• Whose work is it to collect evidence?
• What about them judges in your purge on the judiciary? They were guilty first huh?
• Following that two cent logic, you could only be arrested if you have already been proven guilty

Minister: What we're doing is setting up institutions to fight corruption
M: And doing excellently! Last count they were 11. ELEVEN!!!

Minister: Eradicating corruption takes time....
M: At the pace you sloths are moving by the time you charge any big fish man will have evolved to have a second head and a tail, and the world will have 14 continents

Minister: Moo!! There will be no sacred cows
M: That's rich, from a Cabinet staffed almost entirely with these bovines!

Head Of State: I am firmly .... firmly in cha ... in char... in charge.... Zzzzzzzzzzzz!

ONLY IN KENYA
A hippo was run over by a matatu and thousands of Kenya bent on getting some free meat descended upon the carcass with knives, machetes and pangas. The more desperate ones had nail clippers and bottle openers. The most desperate used tried and tested Jet Li moves to kick the heck out of their competition in the haste to secure the free meat. In the melee an unfortunate soul was stabbed

QUOTE OF THE DAY
I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!

AOB
Miss K & Mama JunkYard - Kwani siku hizi email mnalipa stamps?

PIC OF THE DAY

"Watch your mouth today nitwit! You're no Bernie Mac!" Archbishop Rapahel Ndingi leaves Justice & Constitutional Affairs Minister Kiraitu Murungi in no doubt as to what he thinks of his humour

G-Unit - Stunt 101

Investment Opportunities

The Government Of Kenya is availing tax waivers, tax relief, free cash, free diamonds, helicopter rides and other benefits to investors who would like to invest in the country. Some of our local investors, including Cabinet, Wardrobe and Drawer ministers have forwarded porposals of various business ideas to the Ministry of Finance. The submissions from the Ministers should be fairly apparent These include

• Diamond ExportsThis one has already been done! Been there, done that, read the book, watched the movie
• Buttonhole factory in Lamu
• Powdered water plant in Wajir
• Pot Belly Enhancement Cream factory in Town Center, Nairobi (Immediate market is parliament)
  
• Polka Dot Paint factory in Machakos (No need to paint the dots later -- do it at once)
  
• Striped Paint factory in Makueni (Imagine doing the painting in one pass)
• Comb 2000+: combs for the discerning bald man (Niche is customers like Moody Awori)
• Foot Scraper (To remove feet from mouths. Prospective customers are Foreign Affairs and Jusice Ministers). Optimal location: Parliament Road
• Shaggy's hit It Wasn't Me on vinyl, CD, iPod and DVD for sale to Cabinet Ministers
• English for Dummies, English For Absolute Dummies, English for Fatheads and English for MPs, a boxed set for sale to Members Of Parliement

If you know the Finance Minister personally, you may address him as Beste, NeckLess or Davo. Everyone else should use his full title (and enclsose a stamped, self addressed envelope for rejection)

AOB
Aida, YOU ROCK!! And then some! :)

AO-AOB
Kenya is exporting Electricity to Uganda. This is as about as ridiculous as Kenya giving Foreign Aid to USA

Henry Mancini - Baby Elephant Walk

Interview With The Vampire

Names have been changed to protect me

Journalist(J): Good morning
First Lady (FL): What's so good about it?
J: Errr... I was just saying good morning
FL: And I was just asking why you think it is good? Is it better than yesterday's? Are the birds shrubbing?
J: Do you mean chirruping?
FL: Yes. Shrubbing.
J: Never mind that! I just wanted a few comments from you on a number of issues
FL: Very well. You know I'm a pusher. I even said it on TV
J: I'm not so sure you should be saying that with the narcotics police around and all....
FL: Why not???
J: Never mind. Now, about ....
FL: Even before I continue, my houseband's government ...
J: (Bewilderment) Husband?
FL:(Irritation) Yes! Houseband.
J: Sorry
FL: My houseband's government is not corrupt. The corrupt ones were the ones there before my husband. In fact, before my husband came, everyone was corrupt. But this government is cheese full of upright people of morality
J: I'm sure you meant chock full.
FL: Yes. The honourable ministers are there
J: Yes, no one is disputing that. There are some honourable ministers of integrity and the public knows them both. What we take exception to is the rampant theft and thuggery that we see taking place ...
FL: Vroom, vroom, vroom
J: (Advanced bewliderment) Pardon?
FL: You know me. Like I said the other day, I'm a tractor
J: Of course. But back to the issues -- what is your husband doing about it?
FL: My husband is working tirelessly from the comfort of his bed. I can tell you here that 39 files are being forwarded to the cursor for action
J: Cursor?
FL: Yes. KACA. Swift action will be taken. My houseband fully respects the rule of law, including the official secrets act
J: So how do you know all this about the prosecution?
FL: He told me himself last night
J: I see
FL: What do you have against my husband working from bed and having bit of rest anyway? I saw the pope on radio last week and he was working from bed?
J: You saw him on radio, eh? I think the next time the Presidential Mercedes leaves the Presidential Garage, you might want to open the Presidential Garage Door before starting the Presidential Engine. Exhaust fumes have not been known to enhance IQ, and even if they did, there are miracles then there are miracles
FL: I didn't quite get that. But like i said, the Pope works from bed....
J: That's because he's been working for over 40 years, actually gets out of bed, meets people and speaks to them, has Parkinson's disease and the flu, whereas your husband....
FL: Are you trying to make me hungry?
J: Angry?
FL: Yes. Hungry. Surely you know the difference between hungry and hungry?
J: (Despair) Yes
FL: And before I remember ....
J: Forget?
FL: (Irritation) That's what I said. Let me take this chance to clear the air about my husband being hen pecked. All our chicken are still in Awthyre so the issue cannot arise! We don't have any chicken at State House
J: Don't you think it's meddling to involve yourself in politics?
FL Just for that I won't shake your hand the next time we meet
J: (Contrition) My apologies. Do you have any tips to share with our ladies? How do you treat your hair for instance? Conditioning shampoo? Blow dry?
FL I'm glad you asked that. A hot comb can achieve excellent results, in conjunction with vaseline
J: Any truth to the rumours that your hair and beauty regime begins and ends with a light touch of a live wire?
FL: Of course not! Why do you say that?
J: Small clouds seem to have formed above your head
FL: (Wildly) Har har!
J: Yes, quite
FL: As First Lady you'll be seeing me involved a lot in the economy of the country
J: Getting your face on our money huh?

(Loud voice from the crowd) Now that ought to scare off local investors!

Craig David - Fast Cars

Bummer

I'm supposed to be in Kampala bright and early on Monday morning. Or rather was. I've just packed all my things, sorted out all my affairs, found out that the flight is leaving at 7AM therefore I have to be there at some nonsense hour like 5 and then I get a call that office politics at the clients has buggered the entire trip and it is now hanging in limbo. What's that? I didn't tell you I was leaving? Get over it!

Akon - Ghetto

E-mess

All right, all right, all right. I've had about enough of having my inbox cluttered with nonsense messages like these:

Little Hugh Jass is suffering from cancer of the rectum. He also has hay fever, malarial fever, swine fever and jungle fever. He has foot and mouth, mouth and foot, head, shoulder knees and toes. In addition he also has colic, arthritis and parkinson's disease. And to make a bad situation worse, his bottom is fused together and he desperately needs an operation to unblock his plumbing and fix all his issues.

Microsoft, General Motors, Ford and Oracle are companies with a lot of time on their hands. Instead of donating 10 million dollars directly to Little Hugh Jass and his family, they are going to waste considerable amounts of their (and your) time and resources tracking a single email as it is forwarded to 10 million people. How exactly they are going to track this email is something that will be discovered later.

Please affix your name to the bottom of this petition and forward it to 10 other schmucks so that 10 dollars will be donated to this noble cause for each jackass that actually receives this mail, adds his hoof prints at the bottom and forwards it to another set of chumps

(1) Bull Schyte
(2) Ign'ant Chap
.
.
.
(1,345,322) Half Wit
(1,345,323) Nit Wit
(1,345,324) E. Dyott

Please, if you want to keep the friends you have, resist the urge to clutter our already limited bandwidth with this nonsense!

PIC OF THE DAY

New Internal Security Minister John Michuki is blissfully unaware that new Transport Minister Chris Murungaru is visualizing him being eaten alive by carnivorous smurfs

Run DMC - It's Like That

Job Openings

• Are you a stupid schmuck?
• Are you so dense that light bends around your head?
• Do you have a chronic allergy to exertion? Do you develop violent allergic reactions to a honest day's work?
  
• Are you a consummate liar?
  
• Do you have the intelligence of a half witted hen?
  
• Can you at least write the initials of your name, and read them?
  
• Do you think that Robin Hood was out of his mind, stealing from the rich to feed the poor when he instead should have been stealing from everyone to feed himself?
  
• Can you say the phrase "It wasn't me" believably even if there is video evidence to the contrary?
  
• Are you a team player? Will you let your colleagues eat from the public coffers in peace?
  
• Do you believe that all your problems are caused because "Money has been poured to finish you"
  
• Are you unable to have a coherent conversation with a 5 year old?
  
• Do you have trouble with words that have more than two syllables?
  
• Have you seen and fought in both world wars?
  
• Have you personally met Livingstone, Speke or any other explorer?
  
• Did your primary school atlas have only one continent, and was it Pangea?
  
• Do your friends and loved ones cringe when you open your mouth in preparation to speak?
  
• Do you have trouble distinguishing the words PUBLIC and MINE?
  
• Are you a colossal bore? Would people rather paint their houses with their tongues than enjoy your society?
  
• Can you sleep on demand?
  

If you have answered YES to any of these questions, then we are looking for you!

The Cabinet Of Kenya is one of the fastest growing entities in the world. Our motto is "Quantity" and our mission statement is "The More The Merrier". And just last night we grew still more.

Benefits

• Job security: As sure as some of our members' affinity for free stuff, your job is secure. Like the Mafia (the Italian One), the only way out of the Cabinet is via the Grim Reaper (*Note1)
  
• Free helicopter rides
  
• Handsome remu... renu ... remune .... renume ... Salary!
  
• Hookups from fellow cabinet ministers e.g. tax waivers, import contracts
  
• Free use of Government facilities. (We have an excellent army that can dig boreholes, herd your cattle, till your farm, etc. The Airforce can be deployed to take care of those pesky crows and hawks troubling your farm. Our Navy can take excellent care of your swimming pool. These bodies also do stuff when we are attacked)
  
• Ample assistance: 3 assistant ministers, 3 assistant assistant ministers, 2 deputy assistant ministers and 4 deputy deputy sub assistant ministers
  
• Comprehensive insurance for life and all body parts (*Note2)
  
• Interest free loans / grants (*Note3)
  
• Your own convoy, complete with bodyguards who don't have the sense to get into their cars while they are stationary but instead wait for them to hit breakneck speeds
  

*Note1: Some wives can also effect your dismissal from your post so watch yourself!
*Note2: For those freak candidates who have a brain, they are not expected to use them, so there is no need to insure them
*Note3: Not available to all dockets.

FALL FROM GRACE
From being in charge of Tanks and Fighter Jets to matatus and boda bodas

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

President Mwai Kibaki realizes that after shuffling his government, he has forgotten to include himself in the final listing

Nirvanah - Smells Like Teen Spirit

Kenyan Blog Meme

Peer pressure at work!
1. Favourite Kenyan food:
(a) Nyama choma
(b) Roast meat
(c) Kenchic Chicken
(d) Did I mention nyamchom?

2. Favourite Kenyan drink:
Ice cold, nice cold Coca Cola. This is the SHIZNIT. I can (and do) drink crates and crates of the stuff

3. Favourite Kenyan TV programme:
Tahamaki - the sight of our gallent Inspectors and Sergeants investigating crimes and brandishing pistols that go off like bombs and smoke like forest fires is just too invigorating!

4. Top Three Four Kenyan hang outs:
(a) [Censored to protect its cosy quietness and pleasant ambience]
(b) Michelle's (She's actually got a working swing!)
(c) Le Carnivore
(d) Paradise Lost

5. Top Kenyan holiday destination
Lamu or Burst!

6. 3 Kenyan phrases you use a lot (ati, nini, nani DO NOT count and neither does bilaz!)
(a) FOKOJEMBE!
(b) Mjinga! (Prononced Moo-cheee-nga, and said sotto voice). Not recommended for the uninitiated
(c) EEEEEE-DIOT! (Working on eliminating this one :( )

7. Three Four things about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go 'hmmm'
(a) Cats just don't keep time! And usually THEY are the ones who suggested the time!! I'm beginnng to think some of us have watches that only have hours and no minutes!
(b) Laminating every damn thing -- IDs, birth certificates. Just a matter of time before amazed staff are asked to laminate a baby
(c) Kenyan whine and whine about their leaders and then a month to elections a packet of unga and 50 bob later they vote for the same schmucks!
(d) Just showing up without invitation, notice or warning. People fondly imagine that your time is solely for their disposal. "M bana, si you have time? Si you peleka me to xyz .... Do you still have some of that ice cream cake i had last time? Thanks. Wewe ni wetu! Eh! How can you be watching TCM?!! Channel O bana! Style up! Niaje with that ka-loan? Si you jua the domestics I have with my bank! I swear that teller hates me!"

8. Three things non-Kenyans say about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go 'hmmm'
(a) Dudes and dudettes, it's not Key-Nya and it's not KEN-IA, It's KEN-YA!
(b) Do you run?
(c) Whoa!!! You mean we can do this IT stuff LOCALLY?!!!

9. Three things about Kenya/Kenyans which non-Kenyans ought to know.
(a) I don't have hippos, cheetahs and other wildlife in my backyard
(b) The fact that i'm Kenyan does not mean I can run for 4+ hours
(c) Kenya is not a 2 city country. Besides Mombasa and Nairobi, we actually have other towns and cities

10. Complete this sentence: I am Kenyan because...
No matter how thick things become I can always have a good long laugh about it. That there epitomizes the very essence of being Kenyan

And finally list 3 members of the Kenyan Blog Ring you would like to see complete this quiz.
Sanaa, Miss K, Kenyan Pundit, Mental

FatBoy Slim - The Rockafeller Skank

MALADY IN RED

Coming to work this morning almost forced me to desperately seek out one of those street vendors who tend to have an unbelievable amount of stock under an unbelievably small leather jacket and secure a large pair of sunglasses. Martians landing in Nairobi this morning will wonder why these Earthlings call Mars the Red Planet whereas Earth itself is festooned with the same. The ladies are all in read. Red dresses, red skirts, red blouses, red sweaters, red coats, red suits, red sandals, red pumps. Feeling left out, Red Pepper, Red Bull, Red Indian and Red Dragon also wanted a piece of the action but were persuaded to drop the matter.

Some misguided gentlemen are also in red. There was a dude with red trousers I saw just outside Yaya center, causing traffic to stop inadvertently.

This dude reminds me of a gentleman I saw some years ago who dressed from head to toe in red, starting with a blood red hat, following through with a ruby red t-shirt, seamlessly breaking into ruby red corduroy trousers, slowing to a halt with burgundy socks and terminating with a juddering crash with bright red shoes. It took observers all of ten seconds to gratefully come to the conclusion that it was not a man who had been inadvertently turned inside out by a particularly violent accident.

This chap caused a stir wherever he went, and it was rapt attention that followed his progress. The shades of red on his person were so different and distinctive that you could actually hear him coming. A small boy was heard to complain that a minute of watching the apparition had left him cross eyed. A CIA satellite in space was redirected to make sure that a ballistic missile was not being launched. The sun was startled briefly, wondering where the competition had suddenly come from.

The trousers and t-shirt especially clashed so mightily they sounded like a pair of alcoholic cats in a room full of rocking chairs. This dude made things hum when he suddenly disappeared and reappeared some ten seconds later, about 3 meters from where he had disappeared.

Those of us who don't believe in transfiguration, teleporting and other forms of transportation that do not involve John Michuki in some way or the other refused to accept such theories and dogged investigations were made.

It turns out that this gentleman had not disappeared after all, but had walked immediately in front of one of those garish red coca cola kiosks. If you can dredge back your physics knowledge you will recall that if you add red to some more red, all you get is still more red. The Kenya society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals (KSPCA) are still looking for this gentleman because of the trauma he caused to hundreds of chameleons in the Westlands vicinity

Eamon - I Don't Want You Back

Foot And Mouth

Foreign Affairs Minister Ali Mwakwere's foot and mouth infestation seems to have spread to Justice Minister Kiraitu Murungi. Some members of our cabinet must have mouths larger than normal, because it seems they have no problem accommodating one, and in some cases both of their feet. I could not believe my ears when that smug face appeared on TV with the following statement:

"...what the donors are doing is like raping a woman who is already willing..."

There was a stunned silence for all of 5 seconds before the schmuck was overwhelmed by his own wit and burst into laughter, nailing his coffin still further. According to Kiraitu, Kiraitu's wit is second to none. Kiraitu is of the opinion that every second spent listening to Kiraitu's humorous wit is a second well spent. Kiraitu firmly believes that the reason there is so much sadness in the world is that there aren't enough Kiraitus. On a scale of 1 to 10, Kiraitu is of the opinion that Kiraitu merits a strong score of 50. He looked fondly at his audience and wondered if they knew exactly how privileged they were to be addressed by Kiraitu.

Whoever thinks hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, clearly has not seen the fury of women insulted by Kiraitu. The Coalition Forces in Iraq would have taken notes had they seen the outraged women storm Co-Operative house, where the King of Wit has his offices. Watchmen tried and failed to keep the women out of the building. They succeeded in keeping them out of the elevators but one of the women shouted for the stairs. The guards tried to block the staircase doors but they had as much luck trying to stop them as a chocolate teapot has of holding fresh tea. They were dismissively pushed to one side and the women swarmed up the stairs as one.

Kiraitu is a man with a very high regard of his skin, and the thought that he would lose his hide to the irate women prompted action. Speculation so far is that he

• Hid under his desk
• Hid in a drawer in his desk
• Climbed into the ceiling of his office
• Hung from his ceiling fan from the back of his trousers (if you watched Mission Impossible you'll get the drift)
• Used a secret elevator to escape

From the general tone of some of the Human Rights Activists who burst into the office, it would not have been unwise for Kiraitu to wager they would respect his. The general consensus was human rights are named such because they pertain to humans, anything else was fair game. 50 odd pairs of high heels, stilettos, sandals, sneakers and boots can do amazing amounts of damage. Undeterred at not finding him there, they proceeded to eloquently vent their anger. Speeches were read. Venting was done. If there had been time to make effigies, these would have been burnt.

I'm taking wagers that for the next couple of weeks Mr Murungi will be very unpopular with Mrs Murungi. 70,000 to 1 that he will be spending the next couple of nights stretching his witty self on a sofa.

PIC OF THE DAY

An observer watches in stunned amazement as "Motor Mouth" Murungi successfully attempts to move his mouth to the side of his face

SHAME OF THE DAY

Kenya gets an extremely dubious distinction thanks to the efforts of one man

Dave Matthews Band - Crash!

Loco Foreign Affairs

The very sight of Foreign Affairs Minister Ali "Liberator" Mwakwere does little to inspire confidence, and when the man opens his mouth all further doubts are completely eliminated. I met the man once at Railways Golf Club. I was not impressed then and am not impressed now. His prowess on the Foreign Affairs landscape closely matches that of his prowess on the Green. CIA spooks analysing satellite footage of that day i'm convinced until today were unable to decide if he was man playing golf, a man slashing grass or a small helicopter having mechanical difficulties. The dude straddles the Foreign Affiars Landscape not like a colossus, but an inebriated duck.

But I digress.

After torturing the Saudis with his excruciating company he landed on our soils yesterday and even before brushing his teeth went straight for a press conference and immediately after accusing Edward Clay of using undiplomatic language, went ahead to call the man an incorrigible liar and accused him of being drunk. It's times like these I thank God I never caved in to the calls to be a reporter because had I been there I would have detached my station's mike while he was in full cry and would have summarily departed.

Clearly the man was acting on orders from a higher being to make a complete fool of himself. Last time he lowed that Clay did not substantiate his claims. This time he (Clay)did. Last time he (Mwakwere) bleated that Clay should have presented his evidence to the Government. This time he (Clay) did. The man totally refused to field questions on the issues and instead demonstrated that the only difference between a NARC minister and month old horse manure is the suit.

This is the same dude who puzzled millions over the world by declaring Kenyan hostages free, on the strength, it would seem, of an SMS from a 0722 number on River Road. I can just imagine the bewildered captors looking from hostages to TV to each other and wondering if they were operating in parallel universes.

The fact that this is the best man Kibaki could find to articulate our foreign policy speaks volumes of his (Kibaki's) abilities, or, to be quite frank, lack thereof. Would there be much difference if we swapped the entire cabinet for some garden gnomes, a football and a bag of sweet potatoes?

Why oh why can't we get leaders smart enough to hit the water if they fell out of a boat? Is it asking for too much?

Word Of The Day
Bullet (Noun) Bool - ette. A small bull

Dilemma
Caught between the Kibaki we Know, as evidenced daily, and Uhuru we may get, as analyzed by the Kenyan Pundit. Sigh

AOB
Chin up Sanaa :)

Saida Karoli - Ekitobero

Githongo & Kibaki

I don't have the words to describe the frustration I have with this Government and it's determination to loot it's people's hard earned sweat. Githongo once said only two things would make him resign -- Kibaki directly condoning corruption or Kibaki not supporting him in his crusade. Whichever one came to pass I don't know but am extremely pissed off with our lethargic president and his gluttonous ministers. What will it take for this fossil to see that he needs to act now and smash this network, whether or not his friends are in it or not? We're tired of this bullshit about corruption not going away overnight, taking time, needing institutions,etc. We've listened to that tripe for 2 years which are 2 years too many. I for one am not going to take his and his ministers nonsense lying down. I'm planning to put together a small campaign of sorts.
Details Later.

And as for the donors I strongly advise them to keep their money and find more useful things to do with it. Start a button hole factory. Start a chocolate hot water bottle. No sense giving it as aid because it will be pocketed by gluttons and the common man will never get to see it anyway.

Blog Watch
Kashata in the zone

Kelis & Andre 3000 - Millionaire

Kenya Damu

The success of Ben Ayimba and the lads at the sevens tournament filled me with pride. That was just GOOD STUFF!! Granted the performance has been fluctuating but I dare say next to athletics our Sevens teams has been one of our most successful sports ventures.

I'm also reminded of the good old days of dabbling in the game, in the capacity of the second row, first jumper. For those unschooled in the specifics, the jumper is the dude who stands between very beefy characters and is lifted by his shorts skywards to catch the ball during line outs. The only problem with this particular position manifested itself after you had caught the ball, descended back to earth and passed it onto your team mates. After that myself and my opposite number would invariably follow the same routine, which was to fish our shorts out of nether regions, and run uncomfortably into battle. Why, you ask? Just picture yourself being lifted into the air by your shorts alone and the effects of gravity trying to bring you back to earth while strong men try to keep you in the air using your shorts! If my sons are deformed I'll know why.

The morning after each game the 15 of us would be easy to spot. There was an excellent chance of bloody knees and elbows, as well as the regulation grass burns. Something one quickly and painfully learns is that bloody knees and trousers do not a good match make. Blood tends to have an excellent affinity for trouser, and parting the two occasionally had one hitting the higher notes of the octave. This plus the bruises from being trampled over and the mini cuts from having studs grinding into your person made us frequent and permanent addicts of deep heat and aspirin. The body long gave up trying to patch its own knees and as a result impressively smooth scar tissue is still with me to this day

But in the heat of the moment, in the adrenaline rush as you suicidally ran straight into a pack of 5 beefy men with every intent to break you in half, the exhilaration was worth every last bruise! Sigh! To go back in time to the good old days.....

Another entrant into the blogosphere is Miss K's Au Lait

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me

Feet of Clay? NOT!

My main man Sir Edward Clay was at it again, kicking the backs of well filled Government trouser ass again. Edward Clay has precisely the attitude we Kenyans should have about our own country. We should totally refuse to accept rhetoric about fighting corruption and having our intelligence insulted by goggle eyed fat cats who call press conferences and tell us that there are "machinations by powerful enemies to spoil my name" when their fat fingers are clearly dipping into the till.

We should loudly and soundly and resoundingly protest the farce that is a Minister hooking up one of his boys with a tax waiver and then claim everything was in order, and at the same time denying the same waiver to thousands of other exporters, all the while the Head of State is languishing on his fence at State House, as ever, never missing an opportunity to miss an opportunity. I cannot understand how Kibaki is not seeing that the antics of his increasingly impudent ministers is costing him in every front, locally, regionally and globally. It has gotten to a point where I am saddened to say that I no longer take my President or his Government seriously.

It is a completely misguided sense of patriotism to castigate Edward Clay. The truth is the truth is the truth. It does not matter where it comes from, and arguments about the appropriateness of his comments as a diplomat are totally moot. Kenyans are intelligent enough to laugh away puny defences such as those offered by the Foreign Affairs Minister and the Vice President.

What patriotic Kenyans should do is stop being so accepting of all the nonsense we are subjected to and take these fat cats to task. We should refuse to be lied to. We should refuse to be insulted by leaders with the moral code of alley cats. We should speak out against all these injustices, deceptions and frauds. For all it takes for evil to prosper is good men and women to do nothing

Seal - Crazy

General Major Corporal Punishment

Watching what used to be my school bus many years ago pass by my window and hearing the young voices inside precipitated me into the mists of fond reminisces of days gone by. Truly, as Bernard Shaw said, youth is wasted on the young.

Being beaten by a teacher was a very complicated affair for a number of reasons

After tasting 10 of the juiciest ones you were expected to thank the gentleman for his efforts. Never mind that your backside feels like a volcano has just erupted on it. The last thing you wanted to do to the sadistic bastard was thank him for trying to split your skin. The things you wanted to say to him were not likely to be the printable kind. But thank him you did. And if you failed to do this with effusive gratitude and conviction your ass was grass because you'd be caned again for ingratitude.

While being beaten, you were expected to touch your toes and remain as still as Lot's wife as mahogany cracked into your young bottom. Naturally, this was impossible, because immediately that cane touched your behind no power on earth could keep you from jerking upright and grabbing your bottom with both hands, doing your best to rip out said bottom.

A teacher whose name is lost in the mists of time had a novel way of punishment. Armed with the knowledge of this reflex, he'd ask you to bend over with your head just under the desk. With the first stroke you would of course rise but with the desk in place you'd knock your head against the sturdy desk and your head would bounce back down. After ten of the finest you would emerge with your hands trying to decide which to hold the stinging bottom and which the stinging head

I remember a boy of mine, Tito we'll call him, who objected to being caned on one occasion, and in a fit of genius stuffed an exercise book down the back of his shorts. When show time came Tito bent over duly and without further ado the cane rose in the air and came down with a whoosh. I can't quite describe the sound that resulted but it was very close to a sonic boom, and those of us who were not paying attention dived to the floor, thinking a bomb had gone off. Tito was speedily relieved of his book and justice was dispensed

Then there was the time a smart alec stuffed his shorts with the sponge whose duties were dusting the board. Again he bent over and the cane rose and descended with sudden and sickening violence. The teacher administering this used to literally put his back into it. The cane landed on the back of the shorts with a muffled whumph! and the air was filled with an explosion of chalk dust

'Cruel and unusual punishment' is a term I learned when our GHC teacher arrived one day to impart knowledge into unwilling minds armed with his books, notes and his Mini's fan belt draped casually over his his right shoulder. The dubious distinction of being the pioneer with the fanbelt fell upon me for sneezing too loudly. It was the beginning of the firm grasp I had in physics in my secondary years because I discovered that unlike a traditional cane which only made contact with part of its length (due to it's being straight) a fan belt is an altogether different beast. It's flexibility allows it to curve 100% around your bottom and deliver 100% of its payload accurately into your backside. It also had these little ridges that made sure that the force was dissipated completely to young backsides, leaving a perfect unbroken line of agony clear across your backside. After the first stroke the pleading I made left few observers in doubt that I could have talked Pharaoh out of freeing the Egyptians and hooking them up with chariots and money.

It was once, and only once when I tried to be a man and take it without flinching. The teacher grunted, huffed and puffed and ten strokes later lowered his cane and looked at me, sweating with the effort. The blank look on my face seemed to stir him to rage. "Ooooooh! Clearly that was not enough, eh?" I tried to quickly burst into howls of agony (which wasn't too hard) but it was too late. The bull had seen it's red cloak. I took an extra 15 (with suitable sound effects) for my bravado

Am also reminded of a cat we'll name Ben who objected one day to receiving the attentions of the fan belt. Used to this objections the GHC teacher smiled tolerantly and reached out for the back of Ben's shorts. In a show of spirit Ben dodged and attempted to dive under a desk. In his panic Ben failed to notice that on the other side of the desk was produce of East African Portland Cement that had been cured and matured years ago. Ben's head collided with the wall with the sound of thunder, displacing the classroom foundation by some five inches.

One quickly learned that tribulations suffered in school were best kept at school. Expecting the sympathy of a loving mother and an outraged father due to the injury done to their offspring was something we quickly learnt not to expect. Should the Mater and the Pater learn that you were beaten at school a chain of events wold transpire
1) Information as to why you were beaten would be extracted from you
2) You would be beaten because you were beaten at school
3) You would be beaten for whatever it is you did wrong
4) You would be beaten for dishonouring the family name
5) On some occasions, you would be beaten because of wasting your father's time
6) You thanked your father for all the beatings

Mory Kante - Yeke Yeke

Writing On The Wall

Much as am a Catholic (whose mouth keeps getting him into trouble) I was not the least bit surprised to hear that the Pope was hospitalized. I mean let's call a spade a spade. The Pope's health is an impediment to his duties ergo he should retire and pass on the mantle to the more able. It's about time we had an African Pope

Hues Corporation - Rock The Boat

Defeated!

Alas! My lads the Gunners fell to a 4-2 defeat at the hands of Manchester United. A grim day indeed! Now for a whole MONTH of snide comments from Man U(seless) fans!

Linkin Park - Numb

Coppers

I must say that as a whole, I am not a fan of the police force. The few encounters I have had with these gentlemen have not been pleasant ones, and that is a fact. I can remember

• Running into a patrol of three cops just after Loita street. I spent an uncomfortable two hours accompanying my new friends as they patrolled the city carrying an enormous G3 (one of the cops confessed that he was tired of carrying it) while another cop grabbed the back of my neck in a vice like grip
• Running into a pair of cops on Moi Avenue and their two dogs. This time I spent over ten minutes saluting them. Then I had to salute the cops
• Doing my best to hide in those cracks between concrete slabs as cops pursuing some crooks came in my direction. Notions like firing in the air were at some point in time foreign concepts to our gallant boys in blue. If crooks were running North, the cops saw no reason not to fire North
• Lying face down in unbelievably filthy ground as I was an unwilling participant of a Police search for weapons in PSV vehicles

Of all my encounters I've generally tended to get escape nights as a guest of Moody Awori by pulling Koffi Annan type diplomatic haggling. Championing your rights to our local officers, or being a smartass is generally a confession to being Drunk And Disorderly.

However there was once, and only once when the Gods of Fate were on my side. After an extremely lousy day, punctuated by the search above, I arrived home in an uncharacteristically foul mood. And I remember descending from the shuttle straight into the arms of two waiting policemen.

COP1: Ehe! Kijana!
COP2: Ehe?! Umetoga wapi?
M: KRRRKKKMMTTZZZ! Nimetoka hapo!!!! (Jerking thumb over shoulder and indicating shuttle)

RZA, Beretta 9, Killa Sin, & Method Man - La Rhumba

Elections

Mirth would be the most appropriate reaction to the just concluded KANU elections, with a sprinkling of puzzlement

Mirth
- Anthony "Terminator" Kimetto, with his Buffalo haircut descending on a hapless Secretary General Julius Sunkuli with kicks and a mahogany chair
- Secretary General Julius Sunkuli's timeless quote "I felt like I had been hit by lightning" after being kicked in the cojones by Kimetto
- Dalmas Otieno, Mutula Kilonzo and Chris Okemo pulling a fast one on Nicholas Biwott and defecting the night before
- All 3 feet of the Total Man rushing up and down in Kasarani
- Elections starting 11 hours behind schedule
- Dalmas Otieno's delegates theatrically outraged with him for switching sides without so much as a "by your leave"

Puzzlement
Why did Biwott run for the chairman post at all? There is no way in hell he would have been good for the party, and I'm sure he knew this too
Conspiracy Theories
1) Sponsorship by Moi and the "owners" of KANU To discourage anyone else from giving Uhuru a run for his money
2) Sponsorship by Kibaki's Boys to make sure that KANU had no hope in hell of being a credible opposition
3) Knowing that without Moi or a party position he was pretty much just another 3 foot tall dude. He has an inherent need to call shots somewhere or the other


Prospective Chairman Nicholas Biwott ignores the cretin who has just asked him to stand up.
"I'm already standing!" an annoyed Biwott mumbles to himself

Raggio Di Luna - Comanchero